I believe everyone experiences empathy to a certain degree. To me, empathy means a combination of sensing what someone else is feeling (receiving) and pushing a feeling at someone else (broadcasting). However, a lot of people use “empathy” to mean receiving and not broadcasting, so perhaps there is another word for sending/broadcasting which is better used here.

In order to receive feelings from someone else, I need to be intensely aware of my own feelings first. Picking up on a feeling from someone else is easy, but if I’m not in tune with my own feelings first, then it’s difficult to tell which feelings are “mine” and which are being picked up from someone else. So, it’s important for me to take my own “emotional temperature” often, so that I know when it changes, and I can be aware of whether the new feelings are triggered by something in my life, or being picked up from someone else.

Feelings are “infectious” or “contagious” in that someone with a strong feeling can cause a similar feeling in others. If I am not in tune with my own feelings, I may not be prepared for someone else’s feelings too, and sharing that person’s feeling can make me react inappropriately. So, this is another reason to be constantly aware of my own feelings and be on guard for those times when I feel influenced by someone else’s feelings.

Often the best way to deal with the emotions I pick up from others is to “reflect” the feelings back to them (meaning to just tell them what I observed). For example, if someone seems to be angry, I might say “You seem to be angry”. Hopefully, this observation can then be processed by the other person intellectually and rationally. This leads them to consider their “altered” state and prompts them to think about what they should do about it, but it also provides an important validation and reassurance that they are not going crazy. If people don’t know that they are angry or don’t think about it, they may react inappropriately, because their reactions are connected to the feeling and disconnected from their reasonable thinking brains. Therefore, if I call attention to the fact that the person is broadcasting a feeling and that it is noticed and observed, that forces the person to think about what he might have done to show his feelings, and forces him to act carefully and thoughtfully while getting his emotional “balance” again.

In the case of “positive” emotions, picking them up and sharing them is fun for both the sender and receiver, but in the case of emotions that we often label as “negative”, picking them up can be stressful on me. However, I don’t think it’s right to try to “shield” myself from other people’s feelings because they are stressful. If I care about the person, then I can share that person’s angry, sad or hurt feelings and take some of the burden off of his shoulders, the same way I would want to share in someone’s joy, pride, etc.

If I am aware of my own feelings, then I can also control how much emotion I am sending or pushing at others. Broadcasting a feeling is a combination of facial expression, tone of voice, body language, etc. So, controlling the feelings I am broadcasting is similar to acting… in fact I believe they are the same. I can “portray” a person who doesn’t have the feeling, and “act” as though I am feeling something else, and if I get into the role convincingly, I can stop broadcasting a feeling, broadcast a different feeling, or broadcast the same feeling more strongly or weakly. This will in turn effect others around me.

However, taking my own emotional temperature on a regular basis is important for this too. Often I find that if I am aware of my feelings, then I am not as likely to wear them outwardly or broadcast them as strongly. This doesn’t mean I am hiding the feeling, or denying it; I will still be honest with someone who asks “How are you doing?” and if I am not doing so hot, I will tell them. However, once I am aware of the feeling intellectually and have started to deal with it appropriately, this greatly minimizes how much I am broadcasting out and how much I am inflicting on others who may not be equipped to deal with the new emotion being thrown at them. (This is another reason why it helps to “reflect” the feelings back to someone, because once they start to deal with the feeling, they are less likely to broadcast the feeling on to others).

This is a repeat of some earlier material.

Emotions serve us well, whether they be fear, sadness, anger, joy, contentment, pride, etc. I think of these as the lights and dials on the instrument panel, by which we can evaluate our own state of being. In a car, we might see a light that says “oil pressure low”, and our usual reaction is to try and figure out why. It does no good to try and argue with the light, or cover it up, or ignore it, or blame the instrument panel, or become embarrassed or ashamed of our awful indicator lights.

By the same reasoning, a proper response to “feeling angry” is usually to try and figure out why I am angry, what may have caused it, what (if anything) I need to do about it, and how I can avoid the situation in the future. I do not usually try to deny that I am angry, because if I ignore a feeling it often comes again, stronger. I do not usually act out the feeling immediately, either, because that would short-circuit my thoughts and beliefs. I find I am best able to deal with my feelings by acknowledging that they are there, trying to figure out the real cause, and to talk it over with others whom I trust and care about. Then, I consider carefully whether there is action to be taken, and carry it out.

Talking about feelings with others is important. It allows you to compare notes with others who we trust and to get valuable “reflection” and “confirmation” that what we are feeling is normal. This is especially true if you have strong feelings about a certain person; if the person is important to you or is someone you care about, sharing your feelings about that person with that person is important to establish an honest/open relationship. Sometimes, just talking it over with someone is all you really need to do! Not every emotion will demand an action from you in response.

It is also important to me that I take responsibility for my own feelings. I am not always in control of how I feel, but it’s important to remember that someone else didn’t “cause” me to feel a certain way – I chose that reaction (consciously or unconsciously). Those who I care about and trust are in a “power position” which means I have given up a bit of control to them, but even then, I am the one who has to deal with the feeling, not them. I am the one who will have to explain my actions later and be held accountable, whether I acted based on an extreme emotion or based on thoughtful consideration, it is still my choice.

I have often had the experience of reacting quickly and emotionally to a situation, and later regretting my actions. I have also had the experience of waiting, wanting to act and deciding not to, and later being glad that I didn’t react immediately. So, if I have learned anything from my collected experiences on the planet, it is that the “emotional” reaction is not always the best one, and that it is extremely important to separate the emotional reactions from the thoughts and beliefs. This is, in my view, what makes us human and what gives us our power, so we should use that power as often as possible.

Thursday: busy day at work. Met with David B, Luis and Jason on how to recover repository2. Met with David B and Angela to discuss how to communicate changes to people on various aspects of the site. Spoke to David B about anomalous test times from David H. Break for lunch and Anime, watched Lain. Gather performance numbers from QI and send them to David H. Spoke to David H about what the numbers mean, agreed to drill down more on gladiator and network factors, since QI latency seems to not track test tool latency. Asked Bruce to look into gladiator latency with Doug Young info, and try to simulate David H’s test. Started file move on Repo2. Opened keystone slip. Spent an hour talking to David B about issues of the day.

Went home and brought Rockin Tacos. Farted around on the computer for a while, email, and tf. Checked on Repo2 and started the first stage recovery.

Quick rundown of what has happened so far this week.

Monday: Held training on Fetch and DNS. This went well. David B. is not back yet, but there is not much needing attention. I spent some time in the afternoon faxing letters to my representative and senators asking them “Please don’t give up my civil liberties today” – see www.eff.org for the Draconian wiretap provisions and other concessions to the “wish list” of law enforcement. I got my three reps, then went on to bulk-fax the members of the conference committee.

Tuesday: More training, this time by Bruce on how Gladiator works, excellent info. Went to the dentist at 3:00 but he decided the filling was OK and didn’t need to be replaced. Apparently the reason for sensitivity is receding gum line, exposing the root where the enamel coating is not as strong, coupled with an overall lack of Sensodyne toothpaste in my system. Got back to work at 4:00 but still failed to meet with David B. Oh well.

Tuesday night: Brought home hamburgers and actually cooked them on the barbeque, which had been left behind by a previous roommate and which I had never used. This took longer than I thought it would because the coals weren’t very hot or weren’t as close to the cooking surface or something. C helped by making meat into patties and making tater tots, which was entirely cool. The hamburgers turned out to be hockey-puck sized but it was good.

Wednesday: Final day of training. Got Ray T. to explain about index build and Wendy H. to explain about multimedia. Got to spend some time talking to David B. in two meetings and one-on-one. The problem with Shopping index push causing QI problems is pretty well understood now, and David is working with Bret to figure out whether the broadcasts can be controlled. David and I agree that we should be monitoring Relevance and now that some tools and scripts are available, this should be do-able. We also agreed that there should be more communication between various departments, both meetings of managers and informal stuff like bulletin boards and chat.

Wednesday night: Went with M and C to Pasta Pomodoro, in SJ. Good stuff. Now I just need to get back into the habit of exercising. Also went to the bookstore and picked up slurpees on the way home.

Dave and Busters was great. I got to spend some time talking to Notch about things we should be working on or watching out for. Michelle was there with Laura and others, so she stayed with us to go to dinner. Michelle and Angie both got plenty of doofy prizes.

Tied House was fun, got to see and greet all kinds of folks from work. Michelle felt a little out of place and tired. I still can’t really imagine what life will be like without Bryant, Ambar and Tara around the office. We’ll see…

Spent a few hours Saturday morning trying to reset and upload firmware to the failed Airport Base… no luck. Sometimes it doesn’t reset at all, and sometimes it resets and allows firmware upload, but then doesn’t boot after that. So I’m going to scavenge the silver card from it and just keep Charon as the gateway (wireless “peer to peer” mode). This works, but because Charon’s linux is so old, it doesn’t support encryption, so for now I will only turn it on while I am using it.

Went to Merlin’s party, and had some fun. Miche was still feeling sick so she didn’t go. I got to see Scott, Merlin, Lynette, Tara, Angie, and lots of other folks. The discussion turned mostly to alcohol so I decided to duck out and come back home.

This morning I got up about 10:30 (b5mush was down according to the pager). I am putting off exercising but at least I am writing…

I am taking the team to Dave and Buster’s for some off-site activity. We are all meeting at Tied House for the Bryant Farewell dinner after that, including some folks who were laid off.

Not much is happening in my life… I’ve been tired all week, but this is not a big deal.

Since I am new to LiveJournal, this is my first “real” post.

I dug up some material I had written in other forums (regarding the recent tragedy, and my thoughts, feelings and beliefs) and I have posted two of those messages “backdated” to Sep 12 and Sep 15.

Things are still up in the air and a bit morbid here at work, since we had layoffs yesterday. I am now going to go home and tend to my sick weety.

This was something I posted to a mailing list, and I’m reposting it here…

Regarding a comment “We are not fighting a mental state, we’re fighting actual individuals that carry out criminal acts”…

This is true, but I can also see the truth in what [the previous poster] was saying as well. Terrorists do exist in a vacuum, sometimes, but they usually turn out to be fringe-dwellers whose own society considers to be wackos — take Timothy McVeigh for example. However, the more organized “terrorist group”, whether it is the one supported by /bin/laden or the IRA, has a level of support in their homeland that we cannot ignore. The “support” ranges from “I don’t believe it’s right, but I’m not going to turn them in” on up to “You can have your meeting in here, and if you need weapons, I’ll give you a discount”.

I suspect for every terrorist willing to give up his life for the cause, there are probably 10x or 100x or 100,000x more people who either support the cause or refuse to act against it. THIS is the war we should be fighting, I think. So far USA has not been effective at winning over the hearts and minds of folks in the Middle East.

I am saddened by the number of people who danced in the streets and gave candy to kids, celebrating that parts of America were on fire and dying. How long does it take those kids to unlearn what they have learned? How many generations will pass before the hatred of America passes? Are we as Americans doing anything to decrease or defuse the hatred, or is it going to grow worse?

Regarding a comment “We have to convince all nations that this is necessary for our mutual benefit….”

I agree with this. It seems to me that Afghanistan was quick to go “on record” as denouncing the actions of the terrorists, but if they are asked to surrender and/or punish their residents who may have been involved, they will have a tough situation to deal with. Both Afghanistan and Pakistan have a larger number of children named “Sama” after their national/cultural hero.

We must convince nations that terrorism and terrorists have no place in the world. How do we convince entire nations of people to change their views on such a subject? What’s the best diplomatic action? individual action? military action? Which of these would probably be the most effective?

I’m extremely afraid of the USA “overreacting” and losing the support of the international community. People all over the world have rallied around us. I think a unilateral strike Gulf-style is not the right answer. I would much rather see terrorist-supporters indicted by a war-crimes tribunal and a sentence imposed by the entire International community. USA has been accused of “isolationist” practices in the past, so I wonder if we are going to continue to be cowboys and rope in the evil-doers ourselves, or if we are going to try and get International concensus for what we will do?

Responding to someone who said “I’m still angry over this… This time, it isn’t passing quickly and I want to do something about it. Trouble is, I’m not yet sure what since I don’t think that striking out in blind rage is useful.”

We will probably all react on multiple levels. What I usually tell people at times of extreme emotional hardship, is to acknowledge and deal with the emotions, in whatever way helps, but not to make big decisions or commit to any actions while we are in an extreme emotional state. We have probably all had incidents of taking actions we later regret while “under the influence” of strong emotions.

Dealing with the emotion itself… talking about it helps a lot. Sometimes, beating the crap out of a pillow or punching bag helps.

A wish for peace

I’m starting out this journal with a piece I wrote last week, Septemer 12, the day after the tragedy. Not all journal entries will be long like this, but it seems appropriate to post this here. Feel free to comment.

As many of us have, I have been spending time talking with friends and co-workers about yesterday’s tragedy. My thoughts and feelings echo those I have heard from others, so I know my experience is not an isolated one, but it is not a pleasant one either, as one would expect during such a time.

My feelings right now are feelings of anger, fear, sadness, and hopelessness. This mirrors the feelings of others I have spoken with among my friends and my community. I feel anger at those who did this, and the fact that they are nameless and faceless is also a source of more anger, frustration and fear. I feel afraid, not for my immediate safety, but afraid of the unknown future which lies ahead. How many more lives will be lost or harmed? What sacrifices will we be expected to make, and what elements of our prized lifestyle and freedom will we have to give up?

I feel shocked and also a bit disassociated. I feel a bit hollow, for the true enormity and scale of the tragedy has not sunk in and I feel dread that it soon will hit home more squarely. I feel guilty for being a survivor and having friends and family on the West coast who are for the most part NOT injured or grieving. I feel lost in trying to understand the true scope of the events. Even on seeing the buildings on fire and collapsing, I feel a sense of “unrealness”, like it is a bad dream from which I expect to wake soon, and I feel denial, like it is a bad action movie and not really a human tragedy.

– – –

Let me shift gears and talk about some of my beliefs. I believe people are basically good. I have believed this before today, and today, my belief has been shaken up a bit but not changed.

I believe that people will usually do what is in their own self interest, but when given an opportunity, people will also do things that are beneficial for their family, friends, community, country or world. People will often act in “selfless” ways, doing things that delay or deny their own gratification for the sake of others, more commonly their friends or family, but also for their community at large. Such choices can range from “small favors” to “heroism”, but most everyone raised among other humans is capable of it. Day by day, I observe the “goodness” in others and in myself, and this reinforces the belief that people are basically good.

I also believe that humans, if given a choice, will not seek to intentionally hurt others. This belief is a little more shaken today, however. I have observed the undeniable effects of people’s efforts to harm other people, and have not yet come to terms with its effects. Until now it has been convenient to believe that other people do not want to harm me, because it allows me to go about my business and not constantly fear what others might do to me.

I think we all have some “expectation” or “belief” that others will not intentionally harm us, or will not go out of their way to do so, anyway. At some point we have a level of “trust” of others, even if we have never met them. For example, most of us trust that other drivers will stay on their side of the road, or that clerks will give us the correct change, etc. We implicitly trust people we don’t know, on a regular basis, to varying degrees.

So the belief that others will not intentionally hurt me is partly based on repeated observation, but also is a “convenient” belief that allows me to go about my day-to-day business and not live in fear. I have been proven wrong in this belief a couple times, but never as seriously as this time. Even though it may be proved wrong from time to time, I have still continued to believe that people will not intentionally hurt me. This is probably something that I will continue to believe and “have faith” in, because it is an important part of my world view and has served me well for quite some time. Despite the sheer magnitude of yesterday’s events, I will still continue to trust people as often as not; it took a long time to learn and will take much more than this to un-learn.

Having said that, I now have some new fears to deal with, some of which may outweigh my basic “trusting” nature. For example, like most folks, I will probably feel some fear when travelling by plane, or when going to high-rise buildings, at least until I get some additional positive experiences behind me.

Here is another belief: I believe people are usually capable of acting thoughtfully, and with some effort can confront their emotions and set them aside in order to do what they believe is right. I believe emotions are important indicators of what is going on in our lives, and they are an important part of how we judge and remember our experiences, so something we feel good about is judged a “positive” experience and something we feel badly about is judged a “negative” experience. Many times our emotions are so strong that we lose our connection between “reason” and “action” and act out our feelings instead of acting out of thoughtful consideration and the conviction of our beliefs. But, as humans we have a choice NOT to “act out” our emotions, like animals usually do, and instead we may choose actions that are “right” and “proper” despite our emotional feelings.

– – –

Emotions serve us well, whether they be fear, sadness, anger, joy, contentment, pride, etc. I think of these as the lights and dials on the instrument panel, by which we can evaluate our own state of being. In a car, we might see a light that says “oil pressure low”, and our usual reaction is to try and figure out why. It does no good to try and argue with the light, or cover it up, or ignore it, or blame the instrument panel, or become embarrassed or ashamed of our awful indicator lights.

By the same reasoning, a proper response to “feeling angry” is usually to try and figure out why I am angry, what may have caused it, what (if anything) I need to do about it, and how I can avoid the situation in the future. I do not usually try to deny that I am angry, because if I ignore a feeling it often comes again, stronger. I do not usually act out the feeling immediately, either, because that would short-circuit my thoughts and beliefs. I find I am best able to deal with my feelings by acknowledging that they are there, trying to figure out the real cause, and to talk it over with others whom I trust and care about. Then, I consider carefully whether there is action to be taken, and carry it out.

Talking about feelings with others is important. It allows you to compare notes with others who we trust and to get valuable “reflection” and “confirmation” that what we are feeling is normal. This is especially true if you have strong feelings about a certain person; if the person is important to you or is someone you care about, sharing your feelings ABOUT that person WITH that person is important to establish an honest/open relationship. Sometimes, just talking it over with someone is all you really need to do! Not every emotion will demand an action from you in response.

It is also important to me that I take responsibility for my own feelings. I am not always in control of how I feel, but it’s important to remember that someone else didn’t “cause” me to feel a certain way – I chose that reaction (consciously or unconsciously). Those who I care about and trust are in a “power position” which means I have given up a bit of control to them, but even then, I am the one who has to deal with the feeling, not them. I am the one who will have to explain my actions later and be held accountable, whether I acted based on an extreme emotion or based on thoughtful consideration, it is still my choice.

I have often had the experience of reacting quickly and emotionally to a situation, and later regretting my actions. I have also had the experience of waiting, wanting to act and deciding not to, and later being glad that I didn’t react immediately. So, if I have learned anything from my collected experiences on the planet, it is that the “emotional” reaction is not always the best one, and that it is extremely important to separate the emotional reactions from the thoughts and beliefs. This is, in my view, what makes us human and what gives us our power, so we should use that power as often as possible.

– – –

Now that you know some of my feelings and beliefs, let me share some thoughts on the current tragedy.

One of the most important decisions we will make as a community, nation, or world, is how we should react to these extreme events. I believe that it will be extremely difficult to set our feelings aside and choose a “thoughtful” response… but like any situation, time will pass and we will come to terms with our feelings and become better able to deal with them in ways other than “acting out”.

I think we stand at a crossroads, and we will look back on this time for many years to come and wonder if we acted properly. Others in later generations will judge us based on what we do now. Will we later feel pride in how we handled ourselves, or will we come later to be regretful or even ashamed of what we have done?

I have no specific suggestions or guidance as to what to do in a situation like this. Only time will tell if we will be admired or sharply criticized for our actions during this dark time.

I have heard from many, many folks who have angry or vengeful feelings, and who feel that we need to act switfly and decisively to serve our goals. To those I would say, try to remain calm, find someone to talk to, etc. These are certainly very real feelings and they probably run quite deep. Observe the feeling and talk about it, but don’t let the emotion alone make any decisions for you.

In light of the serious and deep nature of our wounds and of our feelings, the only thing I can suggest is restraint, followed by careful thought and soul-searching, and to save our action for a time when we are really, really sure.

In the shorter term, it is much more important to rally together, support each other, talk honestly about how we feel, and above all, exercise restraint and careful thought. Now more than ever we need to think carefully and act wisely, based on our beliefs and the strength of our convictions and what we know is right, rather than reacting out of the depth of our anger and desparation.

– – –

In a time when all we can see around us is a war, here is my personal wish for peace.

gregc
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Greg Connor <gconnor@nekodojo.org>