Greg: I like sex. Sex is not all-important, but it’s very important. I like to have sex with a partner, because watching her enjoyment is important. I enjoy sex by myself, but it doesn’t satisfy my desire for affection to/from another. I want my partner to *want* to have sex with me. I want my partner to be able to communicate what she wants. I want my partner to be willing to experiment and try new things. I will often do things for my partner that aren’t pleasurable, or even uncomfortable/awkward, if they are pleasing to her. I want my partner to be willing to do some things that are uncomfortable/awkward, but probably not often. I want sex with my partner to be spontaneous and playful. I’m not willing to be without an active sexual partner any more.
Michelle: I don’t like sex. Sex is scary because I’m afraid I’m going to get it wrong and fail the test. If there’s no pressure to perform, I still don’t like sex, because it’s not pleasurable. When I have sex, I sometimes have panic attacks. When I have sex, I sometimes “zone out” and become unaware of what’s happening to me. Sex is uncomfortable because it’s embarassing and I’m very sensitive to being embarassed. Sex is painful, and has been for as long as I can remember, for reasons not quite clear to me. I’m afraid of sex and afraid of touching myself sexually because I’m afraid of getting a urinary infection. My genitals are very sensitive and I can barely stand to have them touched for any reason. I don’t like being tickled, and I have an extreme reaction to being tickled; it makes me angry. I don’t like to get aroused, because it’s frustrating. I believe I’m probably able to have an orgasm, but I don’t like it because it’s hard work and not very enjoyable. I don’t like touching myself sexually, because it’s embarassing and uncomfortable, and because I don’t like to get aroused. Even if I’m alone and can’t be observed, I still have a fear of being discovered and embarassed while masturbating. I don’t like watching someone else masturbating, because I get embarassed even if the other person isn’t. Currently, having sex (coitus) is difficult or impossible for multiple reasons, and definitely would not be pleasurable. Currently, I don’t like other sexual activities (such as oral) because I don’t want to get aroused or embarassed. I have had sex before, but not because I wanted it; sex has always been painful and scary, or at least difficult and unrewarding. When I started dating Greg, we had sex, mostly on his cue, because I was afraid to lose him. I was afraid or ashamed to admit that sex was not pleasurable, sometimes painful. As time went on I gave a number of reasons for not wanting to have sex. When I realized that Greg wanted me to *want* sex, I became aware that I had no desire for it. I finally told Greg that I didn’t want it, and Greg responded that there was no point to having it if I didn’t want it, so we stopped. Sex is not “just” uncomfortable; it is almost unacceptable. For various reasons, I don’t have sex by choice, and will only have sex under extreme duress. I will have sex with Greg if threatened with losing him, but I will not and cannot enjoy it. I don’t enjoy sex; I am simply not wired that way. I read romance novels, but I skip past the sex parts. I can’t even imagine what it’s like to enjoy sex; when I try to imagine it, I feel like someone else, or like I’m dead. Currently, I don’t like being kissed or being touched in an arousing way, because being aroused is frustrating and because if I am tickled it makes me angry. I love Greg and want to do things to please him, but I truly believe it’s impossible for me to ever enjoy sex. I don’t want any kind of talk therapy, because I don’t want to talk about my problems with anyone else, especially a stranger. Even though I was molested for years at a young age, I don’t consider myself an abuse victim. When I was caught touching myself sexually, my parents overreacted and embarassed me; this contributes to my fear of touching myself or enjoying sex. Being unable to enjoy sex is part of who I am. It’s not an important part of my identity/self-image, but I truly believe it’s unchangeable. I don’t want to have sex; I don’t even want to *want* sex. I don’t understand how/why people like/want sex. I know people do like and want sex, but I can’t understand it or empathize with it, nor even imagine it. I try not to think about what it might be like to have a normal sexual desire and response, because it’s impossible. I have accepted and resigned myself to never having a normal sexual desire/response, because it’s impossible. If someone tells me that it’s possible for me to eventually have a normal sexual desire/response, I don’t believe them. Even if an expert, such as a psychologist or therapist, were to tell me that recovery is possible, I wouldn’t believe it. I realize there are thousands of people who have gone from having fear/aversion/pain related to sex, but my situation is different, making change impossible. It doesn’t help to know that there are people who have recovered from extreme sexual aversion/dysfunction, because my situation is different. Telling me that other people have had worse problems and recovered makes me feel guilty and sad, because it’s like accusing me of not trying hard enough. I am not willing to talk to others who have recovered from sexual problems, because it’s uncomfortable, and their stories will not help me. I am not willing to seek expert advice or help, because talking about it is stressful and recovery is impossible anyway. I feel that forcing me to have therapy or talk about my sexual response is cruel, because it’s impossible for me to change. Given a choice, I would never choose to have sex, and I would never choose to try and change my sexual desire/response. Even if I were convinced that recovery is possible, I would not be willing to do the work, because I don’t want normal desire/response that badly. I would agree to go to a therapist only under extreme threat or duress. If forced into therapy, I would talk reluctantly, and I would probably be unwilling to do anything the therapist asked/suggested. Greg wants me to be someone I’m not; if he needs someone who wants sex, he should just leave and find someone else.