Well, we had a big argument last night. I’m noting some of the points we were each concerned about, though this is by no means complete (and the actual argument took much longer because we each repeated ourselves a little…)
It started off with a pretty familiar pattern of “Do you want to snuggle?” and “No, I don’t really feel like it because of X”. In this case X=“my feet hurt”. It’s one of those perfectly valid concerns that I can’t fault her for saying along with “no”, but that frustrates me because I think to myself, “If something were really important to me, I would not want to let X stand in my way”.
So, I put my mask on and laid there for a while, not sleeping yet. I was frustrated and I wanted to say “Hey, I’m frustrated” but I knew it would lead to an argument, as it does almost every time we have a serious discussion about WTF is going on with our relationship and intimacy. Eventually frustration won out over safety and I took the mask off and told her something like “I’m incredibly frustrated right now. I know you can’t help it, but I wanted to let you know how I feel”.
The rest of the conversation is paraphrased and probably appears out of order, but here were most of the coherent points.
M: Well, what do you want me to do, lie to you and tell you everything is fine and just let you have your way? That wouldn’t be honest. G: Getting rejected is hard, and it’s frustrating. If you’re going to say “no” could you at least suggest something else, like another activity or another time? M: I don’t want to say a specific time, because I don’t know how I will feel then. G: Well, how about instead of me asking, you can just let me know when you feel comfortable enough to do something? M: I don’t think I can do that. I don’t think I am aggressive enough to say “OK, now” G: So, what you’re saying is that I have to just keep asking? M: Probably that would work the best. G: Well, that’s going to be hard for me, but if it’s the only way, I’m willing to do it. Getting rejected is hard. M: I’m not really “rejecting” you, I’m just saying “no” to certain activities. G: I understand, but it’s still frustrating. M: I think it’s pretty unreasonable that you feel “frustrated”. I’m really trying here. This is not easy. G: I’m not saying that you did anything wrong, I just wanted to let you know that this is hard for me too. M: I felt like we were making some progress, but now I feel like you’re telling me that’s not good enough. G: I feel frustrated pretty often. I don’t know what the next step is, when you’re going to take it, whether I can help, nor do I know how long this process takes. M: I don’t feel comfortable sharing all the details with you. G: I know. Can you at least tell me what the goal is you’re trying to work toward? M: No, I don’t feel comfortable telling you that either. I’m afraid that if I tell you any details, you’ll use them against me somehow. G: So, what you’re saying is that you feel like you’re working hard, but you can’t tell me specifically what you’re doing? M: Yes. G: And that I won’t know how long the process takes, or what to expect next month, or a year from now? M: Yes. G: And that when you’re ready to try something that involves me, you’ll wait for *me* to take the initiative, because you can’t. And that I’m expected to take the initiative and ask you if you’re ready to do X Y or Z activity, knowing ahead of time that 9 times out of 10 you will say “no” and that’s really the only way we can make progress? M: Yes. I am not aggressive enough to tell you when it’s OK to do something. I don’t even know if I will ever be that aggressive, or if I want to be. G: And you realize that being told “no” is hard for me? That I will do it, but it’s frustrating, and it makes me sad and angry every time? M: Yes, and I’m sorry, but I can’t think of any other way. G: I hate having to ask every time. I hate that the “default” assumption is that we won’t touch each other. I wish we could just turn things around so that snuggling is the default, and I wish we could just do that every night and see if anything else comes of it. I wish we could at least have snuggling as a safe activity that we agree on and can do whenever there’s an opportunity. M: Snuggling is usually OK but not always. Also, I still feel threatened because I’m not sure you will stop at that. G: I know you have that fear but I don’t think it’s because of anything I have done. I have tried pretty hard to always respect your wishes and your boundaries. M: Well, the last time [we did the heavy petting/fondling thing] I wasn’t really comfortable with it, but you did it anyway. G: Wait, are you saying that you didn’t approve? I *did* ask you first and I thought you said OK. M: I did, but I really felt pressured into it. That was hard for me, and now you’re acting like there hasn’t been any progress. G: I have noticed some progress being made, but I am still frustrated. Did I mention that getting rejected is hard?
This went on for a while covering a lot of the same points repeatedly. I don’t think anything was actually decided, other than that the situation sucks and neither of us is happy with it.
At some point the conversation shifted to the “defeatist” mode.
M: Well obviously what I’ve been doing is not good enough. You should probably just leave. G: You know I’m not going to do that. I will stay with it until you tell me that you’ve stopped trying, and you no longer want to change things. M: I do want to change, but I don’t think I can ever be the person you want me to be. G: I don’t want you to “be” a different person. I’m asking you to “do” certain things, not to “be” something different. M: Well, I don’t think I’m ever going to be spontaneously intimate… I can’t even do spontaneous hugs. G: Do you think you would change that about yourself if you had a choice? M: I can’t answer that. I honestly believe that’s who I am and I don’t have a choice.
The argument didn’t really end, it just stopped with us agreeing not to talk about it any more right now. I figured she was probably OK (at least that she wouldn’t do anything stupid without talking to me) and went to sleep.