OK, it’s been a little while but let me see if I can remember most of what we talked about. This was on her birthday, as we were driving to dinner.
We started out talking about the house, and M said if we were going to sell it, she wanted us to fix some things about it first. I basically said, I mostly feel the opposite, that if we are going to move out, there’s very little point in fixing things up other than paint and carpets… anything else, in my opinion, will probably not increase the value compared to what we would spend. I also said that our track record for actually doing stuff to the house (meaning both of us) wasn’t that good. We have a lot of cool ideas about things we would like to do to the house but haven’t done any of them other than the kitchen (which was a big deal).
I also said that I don’t really like working on the house and that I’d much rather pay someone else to do it, which is why it would probably cost more than the improvement value. Sure, if we put in a number of hours of hard work ourselves, we can possibly add some value to the house, but I’m just not motivated to do it and I don’t think she is either.
I think I said something like “I’m certainly not going to do it by myself”. I didn’t mean it to sound like “Why are you signing me up for all this work, woman?” but perhaps it came across that way. She said she was hurt by my suggestion that she would volunteer me for stuff and not do her share. I said that I didn’t mean that at all… just that I’m not going to take the initiative and that if she feels strongly about getting it done, she should take the initiative and plan things out, and that I could do my share of the work when the time comes.
About this time was when the discussion shifted toward me asking her if she felt disabled by her depression, or if she felt that she was able to do all the things she wanted to do. I also asked if she was taking her medicine, and she said no, she had not done so in a while and she didn’t like the medicine and it makes her feel numb and emotionally disconnected. I think I asked her if she was still planning on calling a therapist and making an appointment, and that she really needed to get meds that worked before diving into therapy.
She mentioned that she feels like she doesn’t want therapy. She repeated several times that she had tried therapy three times, and it didn’t help, and that baring herself to a stranger and reopening old wounds and going over painful memories doesn’t seem to help, only hurt. And, she also said multiple times that she felt like she was being pushed into this and it wasn’t something she wanted for herself.
I said I don’t think it’s fair to say she is doing this only for me. I asked her a couple times if she honestly felt like she was able to do all the things she wants to be able to do. If she honestly feels like she doesn’t want to change herself, then why go? (Well, other than the ultimatum I have basically handed her… but I said that I truly didn’t believe that she was living the life she wants for herself, and if she were honest with herself she would have to say that she wants to change, not just for me) I don’t think she wants to concede the point that she *wants* to change… she is stuck between wanting to be different and seeing any other choice as too painful and not worth it.
At some point she said that maybe she could get past her aversion to sex without painful psychotherapy. We have had sex a couple times in the last year and it clearly wasn’t “working” for her… she was not aroused and experienced physical pain enough to make it not OK. At the time I thought it was a “this is clearly not working” and haven’t asked her to try again; I pretty much assumed it was off the table again. So now she said that maybe it wasn’t totally off the table, and that she wasn’t freezing up due to psychological/emotional issues, but that it might be her meds or just performance anxiety.
She also said that it would help if I were sleeping in her bed so that she could get used to my physical presence again. (We pretty much sleep in separate rooms except for trips and special occasions, and have for about 4 years, I think). I said that I wanted to get the snoring problem resolved, either getting a mask, doing a sleep study, and I definitely intend to lose weight.
I also said that just talking to a doctor or therapist about what they recommend and what to expect *should* not be painful, and that she should also seek out and talk to other people who have similar problems, so she knows what’s possible, what to expect, what options there are, etc. There’s no harm in asking for more info. I also said she should definitely tell her doctor if the drug he put her on isn’t doing what she wants.
At some point she also mentioned that she thinks you are mad at her because she didn’t read the letter and still hasn’t. I said that as long as you keep talking to each other, you should be fine, and that anything that cuts off communication is bad for friendship, and that applies to her not reading the letter you took the time to write, but also applies to you not calling her due to being pissed off. It takes one person to reach out to the other, but it takes two to keep up the silence. Friendship is about having the time for the other person. I honestly don’t know why she didn’t read the letter, but she still hasn’t. I don’t know what to suggest other than if it’s important, just tell her directly.
We had to cut our talk short on arriving at our friends’ house. I said I was sorry that this came up on her birthday but that I was glad we had talked about it.
Interestingly, after dinner, our friend mentioned that she was upset with HER man for 1. not taking his pills (for bipolar) and 2. racking up huge credit card debt–again. She also said that they are going to see a counselor. I don’t remember what M said about this other than good luck and sympathy, but she definitely agreed that him not taking his meds was not acceptable, if it was affecting his mood. They also both talked about their friend Brandie and how she’s getting help in the brain chemistry department too and it’s a good thing. I don’t remember what we talked about on the way home but I think it was light-weight.
ok time for bed. thanks for being there, dear one.