(If you’re reading this, it’s because I trust you. Not all my friends have access to this info, so please don’t discuss it with others. Thanks :)
Background: My mom lives alone, on a piece of property in Willits, which is about 2.5 hrs North of SF. She has a tiny trailer (not a mobile home, a trailer) and has about 10 small dogs, and about 8-10 each of chickens, ducks, peacocks, and a couple other things I don’t quite remember. She does not work, and is instead on permanent disability and gets paid a small amount from the state. Actually, she does work a bit, cleaning houses here and there, but it has to be under the table or she may lose her state benefits.
She has lived this way for a while (probably 5 years now). She has plans to build an actual house on the property, but she doesn’t seem to be able to save up any money. Saving money is awkward if you don’t quite believe in banks, but it’s still possible. Having a job or some income source that pays a little over subsistence level is important too. However, I don’t think the amount is really the problem, or else she would be more motivated to get a real job. Disability can pay for her education, transportation, etc. to train for a real job but she doesn’t seem motivated to do so. After a couple aborted attempts to train as a legal secretary, veterinary assistant, and something else, she seems to have given up.
She is also a chronic mooch. I have stopped giving her money for various things, because it seems to be a never-ending cycle with no expected resolution. Of course if she were to ask me for something important, like food or electricity, I would probably help her out a bit here and there, but in the past it has been non-essentials like auto club membership, computer stuff, etc. so after a few of those I just started saying no. She did a short time in a 12-step program and was clean and sober for like a year, and then slowly started smoking pot again after that. I have no idea if she is spending money on drugs, and it doesn’t much matter anymore… the issue is not what she spends it on, it’s more her ability to plan for the future and help herself instead of waiting for someone to hand it to her.
To make matters worse, last year she had breast cancer, and had a lump-removal operation followed by some chemotherapy. This was pretty hard on her. Amazingly she didn’t ask for anything during this time, but she did talk to me a lot, and I was glad to talk to her and give her moral support. She had the last of her chemotherapy around Christmas.
Fast-forward to now. I have seen her a few times since then, she looks better, almost back to her normal self. When I saw her in June she seemed to have lots of energy and showed off lots of pictures of her property with some improvements, etc. She hasn’t mentioned anything about the cancer, but she did tell me about her trip to the doctor to check her ear, which had been bothering her and it turned out she had something stuck in it. However, I also found out that she has been talking with an old family friend Russ, and with his help she has been getting lots of financial assistance from a foundation he helped to start. The trouble is that she has been getting assistance from him and his foundation because she told him that she is still having chemotherapy, and that she had been hospitalized due to complications, etc. She also sent him and his wife a very nasty letter accusing them of not keeping their promises, when they have practically bent over backwards to help her out. I’m pretty sure she has lied to them about her condition, and about whether her mailbox is accessible (wouldn’t the post office return the mail if you don’t pay the box rental) or about whether she can receive email (she doesn’t acknowledge his email, but she gets mine just fine), and other stuff. She has submitted a lot of bills to them to try and justify to the foundation, not just food and utilities, but a lamp that needs fixing, her mailbox rental, etc. The biggest problem I see is that she doesn’t really want to help herself, meaning that she has a lot of bills paid for her but she doesn’t seem to get ahead or save anything… and that there is really no end to her situation and her need for help, meaning that she doesn’t have a plan for getting back on her own two feet (she doesn’t even have a budget plan). I mean, what person who can’t pay her own bills would turn around and get baby chickens and baby ducks to take care of? That and the abusive letter when she perceived that they were not sweating blood on her behalf (and letting someone else at the foundation deal with her for a while), which is manipulation, and unfortunately it’s typical of her. They finally had to make the decision to deny any further requests for aid.
So, how do I feel about this? Well, I have pretty much stopped helping her, for most of the same reasons that my friends (also her friends) have had to stop helping as well. I feel badly for her, and sorry for her, because things will be hard for her again when she realizes that most of her bills aren’t going to be paid by charity. I feel worse for them, because she will take the foundation’s refusal as a personal betrayal on their part and she will either refuse to be friends with them, or she will continue to harass and abuse them, who knows. I feel a sense of dread because I think she may start asking me for money, or worse, she may ask my sister for help, who can’t afford it at all. Above all, I feel strangely detached, like I should be feeling more sorry for her and I don’t, and that should make me feel guilty but it doesn’t.
I wonder what will happen next? I can’t help but think of what will happen to her if/when she can no longer support herself. Hmm.