Chores

Wednesday: did laundry, and got into a bit of a fight with M about how I feel like I do just about everything around the house and I don’t feel appreciated for it. M can’t carry laundry up and down the stairs because of her knees and her back, which is understandable, so we typically go together and do it. I don’t like this much because it takes the same amount of time and we end up getting in each other’s way a lot, and I’m usually the one to go down again to put them in the dryer, and again to bring them back up. So, this time I said no, it’s OK if you want to just stay here, but perhaps you could do something else while I’m busy with the laundry, such as make dinner?

M answered that she doesn’t like it when I say “I will do this IF you do that” because it sounds like I’m trying to make a deal. I wasn’t, I just wanted her to show some support and solidarity. I should have said “Well I would like you to be doing something supportive, something other than playing Everquest” or I probably could have said “OK, then, come with me for the moral support”. Instead I said “OK, whatever” and went and did laundry, but I felt like this was yet another time when I’m doing all the work and not getting recognized for it.

So I decided to write up a calendar and put all the stuff that I do on it: Dishes, laundry, dinner, litter, sophie, trash, shopping. I didn’t say anything to M, I just set it out on the counter, so she got upset and offended at this. Of course I’m doing most of the chores, she has hurt her back, and what did I expect? She does stuff around the house that I don’t seem to notice or appreciate either, she said.

The subject of sex came up too. She said, she knows I am frustrated about lack of sex, but why am I complaining about the chores all of a sudden if that’s not really what I’m frustrated about? I said, I’m frustrated about the chores too, but I have kept quiet about it for some years, because I thought that if I did my chores like a good and dutiful house-husband that then you might want to have sex with me. After a while I found out that this strategy isn’t working, so now if I feel like things are unbalanced and unfair, I’m going to say so.

We decided that we both feel like we do stuff around the house that doesn’t get appreciated, though she agrees that I do more of it than she does. This is probably because I’m more likely to just do it than to ask her to do it, while on the other hand she has no problem asking me to do stuff. I realize I need to be more assertive in asking her to do the things that I would like her to do. I would prefer it if she could just realize that these things are there and need doing, and do them, but this is probably not going to work like I want anytime soon.