Seen in a friend’s journal (quoted from some other person’s tee shirt): You’re just pissed because my lifestyle looks cooler than your lifestyle.
I guess that wouldn’t really be the shirt for me. Maybe I should get one that says I seem to be having tremendous difficulty with my lifestyle. That is about how I feel lately. Perhaps that is just the “grass is always greener” syndrome or perhaps I am just coming to realize that this is not really how I want to live.
Anyway, if there is one thing a shared journal does for me, it’s to expose me to people who have a cooler-looking lifestyle than I do. And to bring me face-to-face with stuff I have been unable or unwilling to do, leading me to where I am instead of where I want to be.
I want to have an open relationship, M doesn’t. Not just for the sex, but I would like to have a large circle of friends with whom I feel like I can be affectionate, and intimate. So far the “satisfied” and “complacent” gene is dominant over the “restless” and “risk-taking” gene. Meaning that I don’t want to risk damaging an existing relationship to pursue another potential relationship that may or may not be there. So the only ways out of the spiral are either for M to change her mind and decide she wants a more open non-conventional relationship, or for me to get more restless than complacent.